Harder than I thought

All the moms that I know have done it and I know that it will get easier with time but returning to work is going to be harder than I thought.  I remember the first few weeks of mommyhood and how I longed to feel “normal”  again and to be back at work.  Anything to save me from the vicisou cycle of feeding and tending to a newborn.  But now the time has come and it makes me so sad to think of not being with K during the day.

Like P says, its not that I won’t still see her.  I’ll see her every night but it won’t be the same.  I’m anticipating our days being more frantic rushing around trying to get every thing done.  I don’t know how we will manage to get dinner ready, the baby fed, changed and bathed as well as trying to fit in running and other must dos.  AH!

I know what I’ll miss the most are our mornings together.  She’s usually in a really good mood and we talk and play as I get her ready and changed.  We’re in no hurry so I can take my time and just look at her and play with her.  I’ll probably be a crazy chipmunk in the mornings trying to get showered, dressed, pump and getting K ready for daycare.  P will drop her off and I’ll pick her  up.

I’m afraid that I will become an emotional wreck, crying and blubbering at the drop of a hat.  Don’t get me wrong, I do not want to stay home full time with K either.  I’m just going to miss her and our time together.  I’ve been telling anyone who will listen that I think someone else should take care of the baby the firt 6 weeks, the hardest time, and maternity leave should start after that.

In a perfect world I could strap K into her baby Bjorn, aka the momma kangeroo pouch, and go o work with her by my side.  She would sit like a perfect angel in my cube and play while I worked and got stuff done.  Or in an even more perfect world, I’d own my bakery where I go a few times a week and if course I’d bring K with me at times.  And sice I’m dreaming, let’s go all the way….. I’d be a rock star and baby K would travel with me.  Ok back to reality.  I work full time at a job that I love, with people that I like.  My job is fairly flexible and I can work from home from time to time or when lil K is sick.  not such a bad situation.

I am fully expecting tears on Monday morning when I leave for work.  Thank goodness my mom is watching her for a while and she’s not going to daycare right away or else I’d be a nervous wreck.

I just looked over at K who is sitting up, propped up by two pillows.  She’s just discovered how much fun it is to suck on her hands and most of the time she’s trying to shove her entire fist into her mouth.  Ahh, such an overachiever already.  Hmmm, perhaps leaving her during the day will make me love her even more and give me back some of my sanity.  Uhmm, now she has kicked herself out of her pillows and is pissed off.  Yes some time away might not be such a bad thing after all.